Bi+ Visibility Day
By Carly Lovedawn
For the 23rd September: Happy Bisexual+ Visibility Day. We see you! 🦄♥🦄♥
As humans we are often in the habit of seeing things dichotomously (one side or another, black or white, either or) but reality is far more complex than that. For example, is the weather good or bad today? Look outside. Is it warm but cloudy, sunny but very humid, raining but we’ve had a drought, or cold but it’s been far too hot? Good or bad – we can’t truly say, but we will! We’ll choose a side and stick with it.
Unfortunately, this habit of ours extends far beyond the weather and can do a lot of harm.
For bisexual+ people, being told you have to be one (straight) or the other (gay) is damaging. This idea that there are two camps, that all people fall into, is false, yet this myth is perpetuated. Seeing only two sides of sexuality, when in fact there is a spectrum, erases everyone in between and forces bisexual+ people to make difficult decisions about their identity.
The plus on the end of bisexual+ refers to identities that sit underneath the B in LGBTQIA+ (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer/questioning, intersex and asexual). Bisexuality+ refers to being attracted to more than one sex or gender and does not necessarily refer to an equal or sustained attraction. Some people prefer the terms hetero-flexible, homo-flexible, or pansexual to describe themselves. The important thing to understand is that sexuality and gender are two spectra. Bisexual+ folks just don’t sit at either end of the sexuality spectrum and can be attracted to some or all genders on the gender spectrum.
For some bisexual+ people, this idea that they are not allowed to sit in the middle pushes them to embrace one side (gay or straight) wholeheartedly, whether they feel that describes them or not. Other bisexual+ people may realise there is a middle ground and that this is where they belong but may feel they must keep their identity a secret so as not to cause any trouble. There are yet others who see there is a middle ground, they know they belong there, and will not compromise their identity for the sake of their own sanity. These last lot of folks are likely the ‘out’ bisexuals – if you know any.
Despite, almost half of people under the LGB+ umbrella identifying as bisexual+ (though some estimates put this at more than half) most people claim to know someone who is lesbian or gay but say they don’t know someone who is bisexual+. It might be tempting to use this anecdotal evidence to claim bisexual+ people don’t exist – but they do. For starters, perhaps some of those lesbian or gay people you know are actually bisexual+, or perhaps some of the straight people you know are actually bisexual+. In either case, if this is true, the most significant reason you don’t know a bisexual+ person is because it’s not safe for bisexual+ people to ‘come out’, to share their identity with the world. Why? Because bisexual+ people are heavily stereotyped by both gay and straight people. That’s why it’s important that we talk about bisexual+ visibility, demystify bisexual+ identities and dispel some harmful myths about bisexual+ folks.
What’s the harm?
Because bisexual+ people are ignored and erased from our societal and social consciousness, it’s hard to find other bisexual+ people. Someone needing help or support to understand their bisexual+ identity would likely go to LGBTQIA+ friendly spaces but would also likely receive discrimination – sometimes more so than within the straight community. So, bisexual+ people stay quiet or internalise the messages that they receive – bisexual+ people are dirty, greedy, promiscuous, have STDs, and cannot be trusted. Or bisexual+ people might be convinced they are not when people dismiss bisexual+ identities all together – bisexual+ people are just doing it for attention, they are on the way to gay, are confused, are in a phase and will go back to being straight/gay soon. Bisexual+ people have to deal with others using anecdotal evidence to support their own prejudice – “she’s with a woman now, she’s gay” or “she’s with a man now, she’s straight” – defining bisexual+ people by the sex or gender of their partner and not by how they themselves identify. This has massive mental health consequences. Bisexual+ people are far more likely to have mental-ill health than their straight or gay counterparts, because of this lack of understanding, visibility, and acceptance.
It’s a choice.
Bisexual+ people do not choose who they are attracted to, be that a man, woman, trans- or non-binary person. What they can choose is whether they tell anyone about their attractions and whether they act upon those attractions. It is also (sometimes) a choice for gay identifying people to say they are bisexual+ to ease a transition from an outwardly heterosexual-appearing life to identifying as gay. But equally likely, is that a gay identifying person is bisexual+ but identifies as gay because it’s easier. Someone may also identify as straight because it’s easier. What being ‘easier’ means is the amount of hate and prejudice one receives by identifying as bisexual+ is too much to handle, so people hide. But hiding often isn’t easier, because living a lie can have its own mental health consequences.
Bisexual+ people, like all other people, can also choose to be monogamous or non-monogamous. Some bisexual+ people identify as polyamorous (capable of loving more than one person at once), straight and gay people are capable of the same.
Bisexual+ people also choose how many people they have sexual relationships with, some might want to have relationships with many different partners throughout their lifetime, some may want only one relationship or none. Bisexual+ people are no more or less likely to contract STDs than straight or gay people – using adequate protection during sexual relations is an individual choice and is not related to one’s sexuality.
Being visible as a bisexual+ person is a tough choice. And one that is not right for everyone. But if someone is brave enough or feels safe enough to tell you they are bisexual+, here’s how you can help.
>Believe them! Even if (in the rare instance) their bisexual+ identity is a transitionary step, don’t assume it is. For this person, a bisexual+ identity feels right, right now. That’s all that matters.
>Don’t tell them to ‘choose a side’ or that they ‘can’t have both’. Tell them they are brave and thank them for trusting you with this information. You will support them as best as you can.
>Don’t share their identity with anyone else unless you have permission. By outing a bisexual+ person you could put them in danger of a lot of psychological distress from others’ judgements.
>Be aware that if they are telling others about their identity, they will likely have people levelling judgement against them. Be supportive and encourage them to be open and honest with you.
>If someone needs wellbeing or mental health support, take a look at our website for up-to-date information on how we can help or call our support line on 0330 1743174.
For more information about how bisexual+ people experience being ‘out’ and the prejudice that comes with it, watch these YouTube videos. For more info on bisexual+ research and how to get involved, check out this article from the New York Times, or head over to the American Institute of Bisexuality.
5 Bisexual+ People Explain What Bisexual Means to Them, Tinder (YouTube Video)
Fetishised and forgotten: Why bisexuals want acceptance, BBC News (YouTube Video)
Being Bisexual, Insight (YouTube Video)
The Scientific Quest to Prove Bisexuality Exists, New York Times (Article)
American Institute of Bisexuality (Website)
As an organisation TN Mind are committed to raising awareness of the multitude of unique and diverse lives of people in the UK. We want to reduce the barriers for individuals and communities to access mental health and wellbeing services, especially for those with minoritised identities, while (hopefully) contributing to the discussion on social justice in our society. Therefore, it is important to write pieces such as this, to educate and familiarise everyone with the various aspects of other people’s lives and to celebrate these differences in positive, productive ways. On this occasion, the author identifies as bisexual so is hoping they did the topic justice, but this opinion represents just one perspective of bisexual+ identity. We want to provide opportunities for people to share their stories, write pieces that are important to them, and raise awareness of issues that may not get much attention. If you want to take part – by writing an article, making a suggestion, posting a comment in the next newsletter, or contributing in another way – please email!
References and Additional Resources
